MY Journey

My trauma started when I was a little girl I was burned as a baby by a pot of hot coffee and hit by a car when I was around age 3. My father was an alcoholic, my mother and father were not together a long time, so I felt abandoned by him when they broke up.  My mother experienced abuse and trauma after being separated from her mother who had a nervous breakdown.   My mother loved her children and was very protective of us yet there were times when she would get rageful and scream and throw things.  Watching my mother in abusive relationships throughout my childhood was very difficult, I began to develop my own anger.  I felt responsible for her and my siblings.  She was tough and fought back but she still would get hurt.  I saw my mother with black eyes, stitches, we were held at gun point with her. One day, I tried to rescue her while she was being held at  knife point.   One night after we went to bed, I heard her screaming for help. I went downstairs to her room and she had been stabbed 3 times by her ex-boyfriend just missing her heart and almost killed her.  He later came back and started a fire in our home almost killing us all on two occasions. 

 

When I was fifteen years old I was attacked in my home by my mother's ex-boyfriend, a victim of revenge because she had split up with him and she would not take him back.  He came through my bedroom window and poked 3 holes in me and left me to drown in my blood just missing my jugler vein.  Forturnately, when he hit me on my left shoulder blade he hit a muscle or nerve and I felt my body jump. He must have noticed before going back out of the window.   Long story short, we moved and he found out where we lived by following my little brother home from school. One night, I was going to the store with my girlfriend, we saw a car following us it was my attacker. We ran home and called police, my mother got a restraining order. After some court appearances including being embarrassed on the witness stand he got off free.

He spent time in the military so they hired him a good lawyer and he got off without doing a day in jail.  I was a fifteeen year old girl who felt betrayed by the law that I thought was suppose to protect a innocent girl.  I was a sensitive angry teen full of fear.  I drank and did drugs to try to manage the fear and anger.  I felt unworthy not good enough.  I grew up allowing myself to be mistreated and sometimes I acted out in anger.   I did not trust anyone.  As I became an adult I had two children in a not so great relationship mostly emotional abuse he was arrogant and critical.  After seven years I finally found the courage and faith to leave him. I later married someone that I did not have peace about marrrying, we had two children together. He was a angry man, he did not trust and was angry with his dad who was a alcoholic.  I was trustworthy and devoted but to someone that did not appreciate those qualities. I was afraid to leave him and afraid to stay.

The day finally came when he tried to take my life. I was studying for a test and he felt threatened by me changing. My oldest daughter heard him scream "don't go up those stairs!" He leaped on my throats and my children came running downstairs and hit him with the broom to startle him just before I almost passed out.  For many years I suffered from panic attacks, depression, anxiety. In 1992 I decided I was tired of being hurt and feeling as if I had no worth.  I knew life had to be better. I started my process of recovery and healing.  I spent 28 days in a Tampa Bay Florida rehab facility for codependency and went to support group meetings,retreats and therapy. My eyes began to open in Florida, the rose colored glasses came off. My mindset was shifting in a healthier direction. My hope had come back along with my faith and confidence. I was beginning to see ME.

I learned the tools of recovery, affirmations and some new knowledge and how to manage symptoms from the trauma I had suffered.  I had decided to get help because my children meant the world to me. What would have happened to them if I had taken the darker path, which was hurting my husband to put it lightly. Later, my husband was in a work related accident, this time was traumatic for myself and my children. He was in the hospital for months and then rehab, he was doing well. We separated and I filed for divorce and he died 5 years after the accident as a result of his injuries. I became a widow because we were not yet divorced. Although the marriage was not a good one, this situation added to my past trauma and I found myself depressed again full of anxiety and feeling powerless. 

Three years later, I remarried and then divorced a few years later. My new husband had mental disabilities/Borerline Personality Disorder and was abusive and not faithful or shall I say a cheater.   I had more healing to do after having a set back. Actually,  I had not given myself permission to heal from the first marriage. There is always more to learn, my mantra is to remain teachable all the days of my life. Our life experiences are there to teach us. I believe that we are to grow and choose to want to become the best version of ourselves, this is a life long process.  My mother died in Sept. 2016 I still think about her but I am determined to keep going.  I am stronger and have learned more valuable lessons while being with her during her last 5 weeks of life. That actually includes taking her back and forth for treatments on and off for 6 years as she fought her battle with cancer.  I am more free than I have ever been;  I am still learning and growing.  Over 26 years Life Experience I am now knowledgable enough to help others gain more peace by teaching them how to manage their symptoms from trauma.